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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29985450">Casting Glances Backwards, But It's Not Your Fault</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midnightminx90/pseuds/Midnightminx90'>Midnightminx90</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>rdr2 [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Albert and Charlotte won't have it, Arthur Morgan Deserves Happiness, Arthur Morgan Has Low Self-Esteem, Arthur Morgan Lives, Arthur is a self-deprecating bastard, M/M, Survivor Guilt, this is really just a long conversation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 17:54:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,529</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29985450</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midnightminx90/pseuds/Midnightminx90</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“I can’t stop lookin’ back, Al, much as I’d love to. I wanna focus on the here and now, on you and us. John coming here, it just brought it all back. Guess I ain’t as done with that part much as I wished I was.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Albert Mason/Arthur Morgan, Charlotte Balfour &amp; Albert Mason, Charlotte Balfour &amp; Arthur Morgan, John Marston/Arthur Morgan (mentioned)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>rdr2 [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2198562</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Casting Glances Backwards, But It's Not Your Fault</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title is from Berth by Gregory Alan Isakov (yes. again)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Well, I must say he took that quite easier than I expected him to, after all you’ve told me,” Albert says as soon as John’s out of sight.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m surprised myself. John’s a… he’s a good man, but the way he loves, it… It ain't’ always been an easy thing. He loves Abigail, but he loves me. He loves Jack, awkward as he’s at showing it, despite not knowing it he’s actually his dad. Abigail said he is, and John just… took her word for it. Don’t matter if he is or ain’t, cause he made the choice to be. Not something anyone would’a done, that.” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“You would,” Albert says, kissing him on the cheek.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I ain’t too sure. Yeah, I love the kid, sure, but… After Isaac, and Eliza, I was… I was hurt. Terrified of it happening again. It was my fault and I couldn’t stop it from happening. So I made sure John wouldn’t go through the same as I did.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“And yet that did not stop you from loving me,” Albert adds. “Mary, Eliza, John. Me.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“It ain’t the same.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“No?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Eliza, she was… She was innocent. I didn’t love her like that, and I put her in danger ‘cause of the choices I made. Mary knew who I was, knew it could’a never worked, and then she used me, knowing that still. John… I don’t know. He had someone and risked losing it all cause he couldn’t handle his feelings for me. He only told me ‘cause I pushed him too far, and sure, I loved him, still do in a way, but it would’a never worked, not with everything that was going on and his promises and responsibilities when it comes to Abigail and Jack. It was them or me, and they need him more than I do.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“What about me then? Any excuses or regrets?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Would’a been easier for both of us if I’d died.” It’s weird, saying the words aloud, after having thought them so many times. “I wouldn’t be a risk to you if anyone finds out that shouldn’t, and you wouldn’t be tied to an invalid instead of going back to teaching and taking photographs.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“You know, Arthur, for one talking so much about choices, you’re awfully good at making them for other people when it involves you. I can’t speak for any of the others, of course, I don’t know them nearly well enough from your stories to do so, but I do know how to speak for myself. And I made the choice to save you and to stay because I wanted to. Not because you saved my life all those times, not really, not just, but because of those meetings I knew the kind of man you are, even back then, even despite all your attempts to convince me of the contrary. You don’t do good because you’ll receive anything in return, or to make yourself feel good. You do it because you know it is the right thing and you have the compassion in you to act on it.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I know you think you’re right, but it don’t mean I gotta believe ya.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“No, you are right about that, sadly,” Albert concedes, “but I do wish you would. You’ve been loved by so many, in different ways. As a son, as a brother, as a friend, as a partner and as a lover. It doesn’t matter in which ways, because it speaks to the kind of person you are. I know you, dear, and I wish you could see yourself as I do, as all those others did and still do. I’m sure you saw it in Mr. Marston's eyes too, the way he looked at you still after all these years, and how hurt he looked when he realised what we have.” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>They walk together to a chair, and Albert helps Arthur into it.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“It’s been different, all of you. I loved Mary, sure, but I don’t know how to describe that. I knew we’d never work, we were too different, and I too set in my ways. Her father never approved, and it would’ve only led to misery had she dared run away. And John, that was… it was years of pent up confusion with feelings, and then anger at him leaving and then being welcomed back so easily, as though he hadn’t just abandoned us for a year. But you, I…”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Finding the right words ain’t ever been easy, now least of all. Arthur thinks Albert knows, though he also knows the photographer needs to hear the words.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“It’s easier, this love, our love. There’s a comfort in going to bed and waking up together, in the slow days where we can just… be, without expectations. You hear about old people who die within days of the other ‘cause they’ve always been together and can’t imagine being apart. I ain’t ever thought I’d get this, figured I’d get hanged or shot long before I could get old. But there you are.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>He takes Albert’s hand in his own, planting a kiss in his palm.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“And yet?” Albert asks, knowing there’s more to this.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“And yet, much as I love you and want nothin’ more than this, than to see out my days in this way, there’s still a part of me that wishes otherwise, for you to not have tied yourself to a lost cause who’s gonna die from a sickness he got from beating up a feller who borrowed money to help his wife and kid survive. I ain’t better than the ones who killed Eliza and Isaac over change.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>He looks away, knowing there’s a sad smile on Albert’s face, unable to face it. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I just wish I could be worthy of you, Al. That I could see the world like you do, like you capture it in your photographs. It ain’t fair.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“You’re right, it’s not fair. It’s not fair that you think so little of yourself that even after all our years together, you still think I should be elsewhere, with someone else. But I made my choice, because I love you and I know you and I will say it as many times as I have to. You’re a good man, Arthur Morgan, and only a fool would think otherwise. Even the fool I love. Over and over you keep mentioning the people you hurt and killed, but you never talk about how you did your best to avoid it, or all the people you helped. Charlotte and I are alive because of you. Mr. Marston, Abigail, Jack, Tilly, Sadie, Charles, Uncle and all the rest. Yes, even Micah and Dutch. Hamish lived years longer than he would have, because you gave him his leg and horse back, because you pulled him out of that lake. Mrs. Downes and her son too, even though you and they might not see it that way. Mr. Downes was sick, as you keep saying, and while you might not see it that way, what you did kept him from suffering for years.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Like I’m doin’ now instead.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Arthur, please, enough of this. Can you not just… Oh, just be happy with what you have! Think of those who are happy to have you with us, instead of saying we would be better off or some other nonsense. Can you honestly say you would have told that to anyone else? Repeating those words you so often use to tear yourself down to Mr. Marston or to Charlotte? To me? You survived because the universe saw fit, or from your own skills, or the pure happenstance that I was there and brought you to Hamish and then here. Take your pick. But do not think for a moment any of us regret the choices we made that resulted in us being here. </span>
  <em>
    <span>All</span>
  </em>
  <span> of us.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I can’t stop lookin’ back, Al, much as I’d love to. I wanna focus on the here and now, on you and us. John coming here, it just brought it all back. Guess I ain’t as done with that part much as I wished I was.” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“You are who you are because of all that happened, good or bad. But you, my dear Arthur, focus too much on the bad instead of the good.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Says the one who does the opposite,” Arthur quips back, but he smiles at his beloved Albert.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“And together we even each other out, or so one would think at least. You’re so quick to say others are good, or at the very least have good in them, so why can’t you do the same when it comes to yourself? Mr. Marston’s lived your old life for almost as long as you have, you’ve both done good and bad, and yet you have the ability to say he’s a good man. You say the same of Charles and Mrs. Adler too. But what about you, Arthur? You who saved us and taught us to survive, who absolved debts and even gave two of the widows more money so they could survive? Does that not make you a good man as well?” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I’m sorry, okay?” Arthur snaps, instantly regretting it. “I don’t… I don’t know how to change, Al, much as I want to. It aint’ like I want to be like this, and when I got sick and the doc told me what it was, I hated it but it also felt right. It was a lesson, and yeah, maybe it changed me for the better, but most of all it was a punishment, and one I welcomed. Everything was goin’ to shit and I knew I didn’t have long. I took it as something I deserved after all I’d done. And when I survived… I...”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Albert looks at him, but there is no pity there, like he would have seen with Sadie or Charles or even Uncle.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“You feel guilty,” Albert says, and the statement is at once both simple and profound. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“It ain’t something I’ve wanted to put into words, but yeah, you’re right. All those people who died, because of me and the gang? Some were in the wrong place at the wrong time, others borrowed money so they and their families could live. I just wonder why I’m still alive when it should’a been the end of me, cause now I have to live with it and I can’t help but think about all I did wrong.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Well, I think you did a lot of right too. You did what you needed to in order to survive, and I am sure nothing you could have done would have stopped your former gang from ending up down here. Besides, if you hadn’t, who would have saved me? I’d be dead to coyotes or wolves or gators. Charlotte would have starved to death. Hamish would have drowned or got eaten by animals. As much as I love you, I do wish you wouldn’t be such a self deprecating bastard.” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Are we angry at Arthur now, for being his gloomy self?” Charlotte joins, stepping over to them with her rifle in hand.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Yes, Charlotte, we are. My dear love seems to think neither of us should be alive it seems. Or at the very least, that we should not be here, together and happy simply because he made some bad choices, did what he had to in order to survive, and was affected by certain other members of the van der Linde gang. It is impossible to convince him otherwise, I’m afraid.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Well, if that’s the case, I guess I will just have to put this down, go back inside and hope someone will come by to rescue me so I do not die from starvation. And I’m afraid you will have to leave as well Mr. Mason. If you are lucky, you might even encounter that coucar down the road and perish while attempting to photograph it. Do you think it is too late to ask Mr. Marston to take Mr. Morgan with him to Blackwater?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Why are y’all like this?” Arthur asks, looking between the two people he lives with. “I ain’t saying I’d go back and change things or have it be like it used to!”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“No? Because it sounds like that to me, my dear.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Al, I’m sorry, okay, I don’t know how to say it so you believe me, cause I would never change meeting you and being here with you. Both of ya.” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“My suggestion is this,” Charlotte says. “I go hunting for dinner, while you two try to come up with a way to help our dear Arthur get through this. Listen, Arthur, I… I know it’s not easy. I still feel guilty for surviving when Cal didn’t, but I still learned to appreciate what I have now and not have it be colored by the past. Cal did not die for me to wallow in self pity, and the same goes for everyone you lost.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Okay, I’ll, I’ll try. For your sakes.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Not for us. For yourself,” Albert interjects. “I imagine Mr. Matthews would not approve of your behaviour, were he here. And no, Arthur, his death was the fault of Mr. van der Linde and Mr. Bell, for listening to Mr. Bronte and not the ones of you with any sense.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I miss him,” Arthur says, struggling against the pang of guilt that appears in his chest at the memory of the man. “At least he didn’t have to see Dutch get even more crazy, so I guess that’s somethin’ at least. It don’t sound right, sayin’ it, but it’s true.” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Albert kisses him.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I might not have met or known the man, but from the stories you have told of him, I know he would approve of the changes and choices you’ve made. You’ve always had good in you, and in choosing to act on it, you have become one of the best people I have known. Showed the Pinkertons wrong, you did.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I love you,” Arthur says, and it’s so simple and easy to say, to be open about this, about his feelings for Albert. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“As I love you,” Albert replies, kissing him. “Now, let’s work on that list for Charlotte while we enjoy the sun, or I fear we will have to go without dinner unless we catch it ourselves.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Oh, I’d think you’d be able to find us something to eat.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Well, there are plenty of things out here to eat, but I’m afraid I still have yet to learn what’s edible and what’s not. Better to be on the safe side, and let our huntress provide, don’t you think?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“It would get us out of writing that list though, if we died from some poisonous plants.” He laughs at the look on Albert’s face. “But then Charlotte won’t be able to complain about us bein’… What did she say again? Lovesick fools?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Yes, there is that I’m afraid. We wouldn’t want to do that now, would we?”</span>
  <span></span><br/>

  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“We certainly wouldn’t,” Arthur says, kissing Albert again, slow and easy like they have all the time in the world.</span>
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